Episode 530
with Sona Movsesian, Marcella Arguello, and Brown Calculus
Host Luke Burbank and announcer Elena Passarello share the worst jobs our listeners have ever had; writer and podcaster Sona Movsesian makes the case for why she is "the world's worst assistant" to Conan O'Brien; stand-up comedian Marcella Arguello unpacks the politics of airport parking; and spiritual jazz duo Brown Calculus perform their song "Seven Seas."
Sona Movsesian
Writer and Podcaster
Over her twelve years of assisting Conan O’Brien, Sona Movsesian has learned a few tips and tricks when it comes to being the world's best assistant...or has she? Through humor, wit, and illustrations, her upcoming book The World's Worst Assistant flips the script on what it means to become an indispensable employee. Movsesian also co-hosts Conan’s podcast Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend, and stars in a regular IGTV show hosted on @TeamCoco every Friday called Sona Fixes Your Life. True to form, Movsesian regularly forgets to put Conan’s appointments in his calendar. She lives in LA with her husband and twin sons. Twitter • Instagram
Marcella Arguello
Comedian
Marcella Arguello is a stand-up comedian, writer, and actor who discusses any and every topic that tickles her. She is the host and producer of Women Crush, the hottest and most diverse stand up show at The Hollywood Improv Lab. Her album, The Woke Bully, debuted at #3 on the Billboard Comedy Charts, and is a combination of Marcella’s unique perspective and honesty. Website • Twitter
Brown Calculus
Spiritual Jazz Duo
Brown Calculus is a Gemini musical duo that complicates the sonic expectations of the R&B genre. Voted one of Portland's Best New Bands in 2018, Vaughn Kimmons and Andre Burgos embody a sound that can only be described as a kind of "spacey soul that should be sold in health-and-wellness stores" (Willamette Week). Rooted in the Black ancestral tradition of spiritual jazz, the duo crafts trance-inducing sonic offerings geared to enwrap the listener in love. The band's first EP, Live at the Map Room, was, well, recorded live in front of an intimate audience at the Map Room recording studio in Portland, Oregon. Website • Listen
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Luke Burbank: Hey, Elena.
Elena Passarello: Hey, Luke. How's it going?
Luke Burbank: It's going great this week. I was wondering if you're in the mood, and I hope the answer is yes, because this is how we always start the show to play a little "station location identification examination."
Elena Passarello: The answer is not yes. It is, heck yes.
Luke Burbank: Perfect. This is where I'm going to describe a place in the country where we are on the radio. You got to guess where I'm talking about. I know one of these hints will give it away because you usually nail it with the literary references. So I'm going to start with a less obvious clue. This city is home to the headquarters of the American cable channel, HGTV. I would not have gotten this from HGTV. Maybe I started off too hard.
Elena Passarello: I'm assuming it's somewhere in Tennessee because all of their programs take place in Tennessee.
Luke Burbank: How do you already have the state?
Elena Passarello: Is it Nashville?
Luke Burbank: It's the other one you'd be thinking of. It's where Pulitzer Prize winning author James Agee...
Elena Passarello: Knoxville.
Luke Burbank: That's right!
Elena Passarello: A Death in the Family is one of my favorite books, said Knoxville.
Luke Burbank: That's right, Knoxville, Tennessee, where folks are hearing us on WUOT FM 2. In the Marble City.
Elena Passarello: The Marble City.
Luke Burbank: All right. Should we get to the show?
Elena Passarello: Yeah, let's do it.
Luke Burbank: All right, take it away.
Elena Passarello: From PRX. It's Live Wire. This week writer and podcaster Sona Movsessian.
Sona Movsessian: Its Conan O'Brien needs a friend not so damn obsessive needs a friend so if it's terrible, it's not my name on it.
Elena Passarello: Stand up comedian Marcella Aguello.
Marcella Arguello: Now, look, I don't look this good when I fly. Those listening at home. I look hot as hell.
Elena Passarello: With music from Brown Calculus and our fabulous house band. I'm your announcer, Elena Passarello. And now the host of Live Wire, Luke Burbank.
Luke Burbank: Thank you so much, Elena Passarello. Thanks, everyone, for tuning in. All over the country, including from the Marble City, Knoxville, Tennessee. We have a very fun show in store for you this week. I've been very excited to talk to Sona Movsessian for a while, ever since I started hearing her on the Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend podcast, so we're going to hear that in a minute. We also, of course, asked the Live Wire audience a question based on Sona's book and personal experience. The question we asked was, What's the worst job you've ever had? We are going to hear those responses coming up in a moment. First, though, we've got to kick things off, as we always do with the best news we heard all week.
Luke Burbank: This right here is our little reminder that there is still occasionally some good news happening out there in the world. Elena, what is the best news you've heard all week?
Elena Passarello: Good news out of bad news department. I think we all know that a couple of weeks ago, Hurricane Ian did unprecedented damage in southwest Florida. I think it was the first hurricane to make landfall in southwest Florida in a century. It's a story very close to my heart because my in-laws live out that way and they're fine, thank goodness. But unfortunately, a lot of folks on the barrier islands of southwest Florida, off the coast of Naples and Fort Myers were not so lucky. And this was the case for Will Peratino and Lauren Stepp, who run a bird sanctuary on Pine Island. And they were told to evacuate. And they were like, No way, man, because they were there in their compound, the Malama Manu Sanctuary with themselves, two lemurs and 275 parrots.
Luke Burbank: Wow. And I mean, obviously, you can't just leave the parrots there unaccounted for and you can't turn them free because you probably never get them back. So you kind of don't have much of a choice other than to just stay there and try to ride it out, I guess.
Elena Passarello: That's right. And, you know, some of these parrots, a rare breeds, some of them are rescues. So they're not they're super domesticated. They're not really able to survive on their own. What they did was they moved all 275 parrots into their house, out of the sanctuary. They got four feet of water in the house. The photos of this destruction is really just heart rending. I mean, the compound is just torched. They have a five foot tall fence that had a fish stuck in it because they had whitecaps in their front yard. But don't worry, because I got to tell you about a little something called Project Dynamo, run by a boater named Bryan Stern. He and his buddies have been taking their boats, which have like little they're little tiny boats with little pleasure craft names like Slice of Life. And he's taking this flotilla of boats all over the barrier islands to help get pets back to shore, you know, kind of across what would have been the causeway. But the causeway is out and four boats for Project Dynamo showed up with 100 pet carriers and they put those 275 birds in 100 pet carriers and took them to the mainland where they were then transported to a guy who volunteered, who runs a bird sanctuary in West Palm Beach, which is about a four hour drive. And the Fish and Wildlife Department got food for all the birds. So they are probably going to have to stay in their foster homes for another six months while the Malama Manu Sanctuary rebuilds. But every single bird is accounted for. And my favorite detail in this Associated Press story is that several of the parrots, while they were being moved, used their, quote, mischievous vocabularies to express how they felt about the situation that we know parrots definitely love swear words.
Luke Burbank: That's what I was kind of wondering, is are these going to be the most colorful parrots of all time now because they've been through it? Well, that's really cool. Good for those birds and awesome for everybody who helped out in so many different ways during that disaster. And of course, thinking about our listeners down in Florida who still have a lot of rebuilding to do. Our listeners in California can feel excitement that the magical force that is Dolly Parton has has once again made life better in these United States. In California, the Senate Bill 1183 has been signed into law by Governor Gavin Newsom. It's going to provide funding for Dolly Parton's Imagination Library program. The way that the Imagination Library works is it's aimed at encouraging preschool children to sort of develop a love of learning early on. If you're somebody who loves reading and learning like I know you do Elena and like I really did as a kid, you know that feeling of when you're first start being able to read and you just get your hands on a book that totally just captures your imagination and you spend like an entire day in the summertime hidden out in your room, just like reading that book or whatever. Well, that's what they want to create for more children. And so basically you can get a free ebook mailed directly to your home at no cost to your family. This is going to start June of next year. And right now there are apparently 14 states, five countries that are taking part in this Imagination Library. And so far they've donate over 186 million books. This is going to cover all 58 California counties. Up to 2.4 million children are eligible for this. And this is a first for this Imagination Library. It's the first time that they've had bilingual options available. And so all over California and again, already in a lot of other states, kids. Are going to be able to get a free book sent right to their house, thanks to a program started by the one, the only Dolly Parton.
Elena Passarello: Once again, another reason to. To quote an earlier Best News story. Quote. "Be like Dolly on a dinosaur."
Luke Burbank: Oh, I forgot about that. Wasn't that a kid was using that to, like, hype themselves up, when they needed encouragement?
Elena Passarello: That was his motivational speech to his mom. And I think, you know, Governor Newsom is going to make it possible for all of these great young readers to be like Dolly on a dinosaur, which, by the way, my husband says that to me all the time now.
Luke Burbank: I mean, that is like we've talked about this recently. That's one of the best things about being in any long term relationship is just the weird stuff you say to each other. So now that you and David have Dolly on a dinosaur, that is to me the best news that I heard all week.
Luke Burbank: All right. Let's invite our first guest on over to the program. She's been Conan O'Brien's assistant for the past 12 years, a job that she says. She says she is quite bad at the job. She's also the co-host of his podcast, CONAN O'Brien Needs a Friend, which as a listener, I will tell you, she's quite good at that job. She also stars in the Team Coco Show, Sona Fixes Your Life. Now, being bad at her job has freed her up the time to go ahead and write a book which is out now. It's called The World's Worst Assistant. Take a listen to this. It's our conversation with Sona Movsessian, recorded in front of a live audience last month at the Alberta Rose Theater in Portland, Oregon.
Sona Movsessian: This is nice.
Luke Burbank: Sona, welcome to the show. Are you getting used to doing stuff like this? I mean, you've been doing stuff with Conan and kind of the public for a long time now. But, you know, being a celebrity yourself and being on stage and having crowds, is this all feel pretty natural to you at this point?
Sona Movsessian: No, no, no, no. Does it feel natural? No. God, no. This is horrifying. It's nice that you said I'm a celebrity, but I don't think I'm a celebrity. I don't think anything makes you feel like less of a celebrity than working for someone like Conan O'Brien. Because, you know, he's a giant. And when he walks around, people just stare at him and they like, you know, if you if you can get a same day reservation at a restaurant that you want to go to, I think that's when you're a celebrity. And I still can't do that. Right now, I'm just I'm nothing.
Luke Burbank: Well, that's not true.
Sona Movsessian: Oh, that's so sad. I am a nothing person. No, because if you're not a celebrity, you are nothing.
Luke Burbank: That's right. If there's one thing you've learned in L.A.... Speaking of jobs, you had a lot of jobs before that you write about in the book before you were working with Conan. And one of them was, well, one, you worked at a watch shop.
Sona Movsessian: Yes. Tick Time
Luke Burbank: Which it sounds like you really you really put about half of your all into.
Sona Movsessian: Half of my all. I nap. That's where I learned how to nap on the job.
Luke Burbank: What is the key to that?
Sona Movsessian: You know, you just find a comfortable spot and you close your eyes and doze off. It's not as hard as you would think it is. It's you have to trust the people around you not to snitch. And what else? How many times are you going to Windex the watch case? You know what I mean? Like, how many times are you just going to, like, clean things up? At some point, you're just. I'm going to catch up on sleep.
Luke Burbank: You also worked at the Hollywood Bowl like the sort of a store there. And are you familiar with the term quiet quitting?
Sona Movsessian: I am now.
Luke Burbank: Think you invented that?
Sona Movsessian: I may have. I may have. Well, so I don't think I quit quietly, though, because I didn't even quit. I just got fired, which is very different than quitting. I worked at the Hollywood Bowl, which is a season in the summer, and then for two of those weeks I asked if I could go to Australia hoping they'd be like, okay, we can let you go to Australia, but you can't come back because I was over it at that point. And they're like, Yeah, well, hold on to your job. And so these really lovely people and I want to say I love this job. But then when I came back from Australia, I just didn't want to work anymore. So I just stopped going to work and I kept making all these excuses. I said, Oh, my car, does it work or I don't feel well. And then at some point they called me in. They're like, We're going to need you to not come in anymore. And I remember I hung up and I was in Palm Springs when I should have been at work, and and I was like, You know what? That's fair. This is a fair. That what you're doing is a good decision.
Luke Burbank: But look how everything turned out, by the way. We're talking to Sona Movsessian here on Live Wire. Her book is The World's Worst Assistant. I'm wondering what your kind of expectations were when you got hired to be Conan O'Brien's assistant. Did you think this was a couple of years of your life or?
Sona Movsessian: Yeah, I thought it was going to be a couple of years. I thought, oh, I'll take this job and then I'll, you know, step on Conan's back to go to the next thing.
Luke Burbank: Which is kind of how it's worked out in a way.
Sona Movsessian: Yeah, it is. Kind of.
Luke Burbank: You're here with our book you wrote.
Sona Movsessian: I've ridden those coattails as much as I can. I've just taken Conan's fame that he's worked really hard on for over 30 years, and I've just used it to my advantage as much as I can. So when I first got the job, I remember them saying, you know, Conan would really like you to work for him for about five years. You know, if you can give a five year commitment. And I said, yeah, but I'm like, I'm not going to work for Conan for five years. And that was 13 years ago. And I still work for him, but I didn't know what the job was really going to be. I'd never been a personal assistant before, so I didn't know what to expect, you know? And I was a fan of his and he could have sucked and I would have been miserable, but luckily he wasn't. And, you know, I've parlayed that into making money for myself.
Luke Burbank: I want to find out more about that moneymaking aspect to see if when we come back from this break. We're going to take if you were able to achieve what you expressed as the singular goal of writing this book. Yes. So we will talk more with Sona Movsessian here on Live Wire. Back with more in a minute.
Luke Burbank: Hey, welcome back to Live Wire from PRX. We are talking to Sona Movsessian about her book, The World's Worst Assistant. Sona works with Conan O'Brien. One of the things that you and Conan lean into on the podcast, Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend in the various TV pieces you've shot. And even this book is that you are extremely bad at the job of being his assistant. Yeah, but I also feel like you could not have had the job for 13 years if you were really as bad as it. As bad at it as you sort of profess.
Sona Movsessian: Yeah, I you know, you're right. I think that I'm bad at what assistants should do, like scheduling and taking care of their bosses and helping them. Those are all parts where I lack. But at the at the flip side, I think that for working for someone like Conan O'Brien, who is a comedian, comedians love when they just get material from the people around them. And one thing that I have provided Conan with over the last 13 years is an endless well of material. And I think that's what's really given me. The job security that I have is that if he can make fun of me in a group of people and then high fived me afterwards, which is the most humiliating thing, if anybody if you've ever been in a group of people, and then one just makes fun of you, and then everyone laughs, and then that person who made fun of you makes you high fived them. Oh, and you have to because he's your boss. It is so demeaning. But he he lives off of that. So, you know, I think, you know, where I suck at. Just not being a good assistant where I'm just bad at that, you know, I excel at material and that's more valuable for Conan than, you know, remembering, you know, in a doctor's appointment.
Luke Burbank: Sure. How important could a doctor's appointment be? Mr. O'Brien, we've biopsied that mole, and it's not good. Yeah, I didn't get the memo.
Sona Movsessian: No.
Luke Burbank: Did you and CONAN always have this really kind of sort of interesting dynamic, you know, from even the early days of you working with him?
Sona Movsessian: Yeah, I think it started very early in the very beginning. I wanted to be a professional person. I had a notebook.
Luke Burbank: Wow, had a notebook.
Sona Movsessian: I had a notebook. I had a pen, and I was like, I'm going to write things. And then I was very, very, you know, invested in doing a good job for him because I wanted to. And then it just sort of chipped away. And it's not just my fault. I mean, you know, where it really turned sour, not sour, but where it became this. You know, I was speaking to my grandma on the phone one day and then I hung up and I was speaking to her in Armenian and I hung up the phone and then he goes, What was that? It sounded like you were arguing with Dracula. And instead of being like, How dare you insult my ancestral language like that? I just laughed. And I think that me laughing gave him license to realize he could go from, oh, you're you're now a vampire. So that's going to be my joke about you for the next two years, to the point where someone who gets me a secret Santa gives me like, blood wine, and there's an entire, like, theme around me being a vampire. And then that goes into me needing ancestral soil so that my, I can move about the rain, the land and, you know, I mean, it just like snowballed. And eventually, like, I steal things and I steal babies from from like, the marketplace. And, you know, I mean, it just it's absurd. And I shouldn't I think it all went back to me laughing at that first one joke. Yeah. And if I just didn't laugh at it, everything would have been different and I probably would have gotten fired.
Luke Burbank: Right? That you may be describing a hostile work environment? I'm not sure.
Sona Movsessian: Oh, it's very hostile. Yeah, it's so inappropriately hostile on both sides. It's just we're you know, I'm I can never work anywhere else. I think that's the the thing I learned.
Elena Passarello: You give him on the podcast so much crap back. Yeah. When in your relationship did you feel comfortable just giving it right back to him the way that you do?
Sona Movsessian: That was also very early on. It fell apart. So early on, I can't even I don't even know. I think that when he started making fun of me and then I started laughing and then I just kind of like, said something about him being Irish. He's Irish, by the way. I don't know if you guys knew that, but yeah, I mean, you know, then after that, I when he also it's all about the way we responded to things. So I would say everything fell apart within the first six months. By the end of the first six months, it was just a mess.
Luke Burbank: I really, really enjoy the podcast. Conan O'Brien needs a friend. That is Conan and Matt Gourley. And you and I really enjoy the dynamic that the three of you have, because, I mean, the show is ostensibly about interviewing these famous people and you've had on Michelle Obama super famous people. Yeah, I really enjoy the dynamic between the three of you a ton. When when they asked you or Conan ask you, do you wanna do this podcast? What what did you think it was going to turn into?
Sona Movsessian: I didn't know what it entailed. I didn't think anybody. It's not that I didn't think anybody would listen to it. It's that I didn't think that I would have much of a role in it. But I always just tell myself, it's Conan O'Brien needs a friend, Sona Movsessian needs a friend. So if it's terrible, it's not my name on it, which I think just helps me in general, is if I look bad, Conan looks bad, and I just slither back to obscurity and it doesn't matter. But, you know, he has a lot more on the line. I forgot what the question was.
Luke Burbank: You answered it. You actually forgot remembering the question. You answered it pretty thoroughly.
Sona Movsessian: Yeah. I have nothing to lose. I think I have nothing to lose in every aspect of my job. So, you know.
Luke Burbank: This is Live Wire from PRX. We are talking to Sona Movsessian. Her new book is The World's Worst Assistant. I thought this book was really entertaining. It was really in your voice, which I just find, like, really charming. I'm wondering what it was like for you to write a book, presuming you hadn't written one before.
Sona Movsessian: Never. Awful. I don't like writing books. There's so many words you have to put on the page. I didn't realize that when I wrote it. I mean, you know, I had the idea for it. And I, I luckily, you know, I wrote a proposal and it sold. And then they said, okay, well, you know, we're hoping to get X amount of words. And I was like, Could anybody write those many words? And I think it was something like 60,000. And I thought, okay, I'm going to send them 20,000, and they are going to be so bowled over by these words that they're going to be like, This is good enough. And then I did. And then they said, okay, but, you know, you have to write 40,000 more words. And so I thought, okay, fine. And then it was hard. And then I had I had twin boys while I was writing it. So I had my twin boys in July and my deadline was in October. So, you know, I was like pumping milk and typing at the same time.
Luke Burbank: That's how Hemingway did it.
Sona Movsessian: And you know, you know what? Hemingway and I are on the same level, so. Yeah, that makes sense. We're the same.
Elena Passarello: Hemingway also, like, inflated the font for a few pages just to make the word count. I think I saw that in the Sun Also Rises.
Sona Movsessian: Yeah, I did get to a point where I just thought, just get words onto a page and we'll fix it in post.
Luke Burbank: There is really a section of this book that is so charming to anyone who ever had to write a paper in school where you what was the size font you're using?
Sona Movsessian: Oh yeah. So I write an entire chapter called the filler chapter, which is everything I did in school, which is, you know, I define words just to add words into the word count. I go on these long tangents about random things, and at one point I made the font a lot bigger and I widened the margins. So yeah. So all just to get as much in there. And I thought, Oh, they're not going to like it. And then they did. So I got away with a lot. I think the problem is I surround myself with people who enable my behavior and then and then they reward me for it with like book deals and putting me on podcasts. So I just don't learn. I don't learn my lesson. But, you know, I mean...
Luke Burbank: Maybe the lesson is that you're actually really funny and entertaining.
Sona Movsessian: I don't think that's it. I think I really just think that I just found exactly where I should be, and I'm coasting as much as I can.
Luke Burbank: So you write in the book that the reason that you wanted to write the book was so that you could pay for a remodel on your kitchen.
Sona Movsessian: I am October 3rd. Demo's start. So we did. Hey, we did it. Oh, my God. I know.
Luke Burbank: So it worked.
Sona Movsessian: It did work. It did. I know. People thought I was joking, but that's why.
Luke Burbank: I have the ring of truth to me. Are you still actually, at this point, working actively as Conan O'Brien's assistant?
Sona Movsessian: So when I went on maternity leave, this guy, David, took over my responsibilities as assistant. And then when I came back from maternity leave, I had a conversation with David and Conan, and I said, This is working for me. I don't know if this is working for you guys. So I think so when I came back from maternity leave, you know, when you're when you're an assistant, you really have to be available all the time. And you really do have to be able to travel with someone and go off and, you know, go on a full day press conference or whatever. And I just can't do that anymore. So David does it now, but over the course of the last 13 years, I've made myself indispensable, which is part of what I talk about in my book. So like the other day, Conan had to do something for his cell phone, and his cell phone is under my name, so he needed me for that. And I feel like when I do one thing a week that's important, that justifies my existence. So I feel like it's like a long con. And I'm finally at the point where I'm doing absolutely nothing, but he can't get rid of me.
Luke Burbank: God, that is that is so elegant. I mean.
Sona Movsessian: I'm a criminal mastermind. I really think that if I got into crime, I would be running an entire mob myself.
Luke Burbank: Well, let's be honest,.
Elena Passarello: David would be.
Luke Burbank: Somebody else running it.
Sona Movsessian: You're right.
Luke Burbank: You'd be home admiring your kitchen. This is Live Wire we're talking to. Sort of obsession. All right. This is the part of the show where we like to give our listeners some practical advice that they can use in their own lives. And we were thinking that because this book, you know, is the world's worst assistant, maybe we could get some of your opinions on kind of divisive workplace scenarios since there's a certain workplace element to your book. So on the table in front of you, Sona is a jar. We've got five scenarios in there. We call this the jar of truth. I know that sounds like Dracula music.
Sona Movsessian: Did you do that on purpose?
Luke Burbank: Ayal has been playing that trill for many guests over the years. It's just this time it was appropriate in a sort of Dracula way.
Sona Movsessian: It would be like Conan to call ahead of time and say, Play Dracula music at some point.
Luke Burbank: Okay, so this is how it's going to work. Sona we're going to have you pull a question at random out of the jar. Elena Passarello is going to read you the scenario and we'd like to get your opinion. Okay, so take it away.
Elena Passarello: Okay. So what's worse, scheduling a meeting at 4:30 on a Friday or scheduling any meeting that could have been an email.
Sona Movsessian: What's worse? Yeah, well, the 4:30 on a Friday. What are we doing?
Elena Passarello: That's the correct answer.
Sona Movsessian: I want to go home at noon on a Friday, so I don't know why anyone would do that.
Luke Burbank: Yeah, yeah. You speak for us all. Yeah.
Sona Movsessian: Yeah. Sorry, that was a short answer. You guys need more more beef?
Elena Passarello: No. Oh, no. That was meaty enough.
Luke Burbank: That was the correct amount of beef. Yeah.
Sona Movsessian: I think I meant to say meat. And I said beef.
Luke Burbank: That was beefy.
Sona Movsessian: You need more beef?
Luke Burbank: Can that be the name of your second book? You need more beef, by Sona Movsessian. All right. Sona has selected another workplace scenario. Elena.
Sona Movsessian: Okay, how about this one? Are you pro or anti out of office messages that detail someone's vacation location?
Sona Movsessian: You shouldn't do that anyway because hold the phone. Do not ever put on your out of office that you're on vacation because it could go anywhere. And then someone will be like, they're on vacation. I guess I'll rob them. So don't do it. Just as a very basic I'm out of the office. That's an important question because a lot of people should not do that. I learned that not the hard way. I didn't get robbed, but I remember someone saying that and I was like, Oh yeah, because your emails go out to so many people and someone could be like, They're not home. I'll go rob their house.
Luke Burbank: Although when you start your criminal syndicate. You've already got your first heist plan. Yeah. Just read everyone's out of office email.
Sona Movsessian: That's true. And I use I used to shoplift. Why am I talking?
Luke Burbank: What is what's the most expensive thing you ever shoplifted?
Sona Movsessian: They were never that expensive.
Luke Burbank: Like, what would the kind of stuff?
Sona Movsessian: It was like a bracelet from Express. And I used to do it in a in a like a way where I was like, you know, sticking it to the man. So I would, like, wear it, and I'd walk out and I'd even, like, wave my hand. But I if you walk out with confidence, they're like, that must be her bracelet. Yeah. So that. But it was always like less than $20.
Luke Burbank: I had a period of my life when I was younger. I was really into shoplifting baseball cards from the pharmacy across the street from my house until this woman named Gladys, who worked there, grabbed me by my lapels. I know this sounds like a Norman Rockwell painting. I didn't have a slingshot in my back pocket and like a little dog with me.
Sona Movsessian: But you had lapels.
Luke Burbank: She grabbed me by my shirt and she said, You have sticky fingers. And I never shoplifted from Craig in the pharmacy again.
Sona Movsessian: That's good.
Luke Burbank: Okay. One more before we let you go, Sona.
Sona Movsessian: Oh, okay. Final question. Who would you like to work for the least? A boss who always goes 5 minutes over on meetings. Or a boss who ends a meeting 3 minutes early and then says they're giving you some time back. Like, Cool. I guess you can go pursue your dreams in those 3 minutes.
Sona Movsessian: Wow, that is so specific. Do people say, I'm giving you your time back? Have you guys all heard that?
Elena Passarello: Yeah, yeah.
Elena Passarello: Oh, that's annoying. I gross. I'm fine with the 5 minutes over instead of the giving you your time back.
Elena Passarello: That's a power issue now.
Sona Movsessian: No it's like, you're welcome. Here's the 3 minutes.
Luke Burbank: Yeah, this interview is actually going to go 5 minutes long. We're going to give you some time back Sona. And thank you. Sona Movsessian everyone.
Luke Burbank: That was Sona Movsessian right here on Live Wire. Her book, The World's Worst Assistant, is available now.
Luke Burbank: Live Wire is brought to you in part by Alaska Airlines. Alaska Airlines offers the most nonstop from the West Coast, including destinations like Hawaii, Palm Springs and San Francisco, and as a member of the OneWorld alliance. Alaska Airlines can connect you to more than 1000 destinations worldwide with their global partners. Learn more at Alaska Air dot Com.
This is Live Wire. As we do each week. We ask the audience a question. We asked What is the worst job you've ever had? This is because we were chatting with Sona Movsessian about some of her less glamorous employment opportunities that she's been through. Elena has been collecting up those responses. What are you seeing?
Sona Movsessian: Well, the most common factors, I think, for what constitutes a bad job appear to be lack of air conditioning and bodily fluids from some sort of creature.
Luke Burbank: Which, you know, can sometimes go hand in hand if there's no A.C. where you're working. And it's the summertime that can lead to some bodily fluids leaking.
Sona Movsessian: Ah good point. That's a good point. I wonder if that was Jamie's experience. Jamie says, I tested hydrology instrumentation with a scale model of a sewer system in an unknown, air conditioned metal building in Alabama in August. And guess what? They used peat moss to simulate poop.
Luke Burbank: I mean, you got to pay a lot for that job, I think, or you've got to make sure that the the Help Wanted ad does not indicate what the person's really going to be doing, because that that was just a litany of things that sound miserable.
Sona Movsessian: I bet it's one of those job descriptions that has engineer in the title.You know, and you're like, oh, a hydrology engineer. My mom will be so proud of me. And then you're just shoving poop shaped peat moss through a tube.
Luke Burbank: In an in a big metal building in Alabama in August with no air conditioning. What's another not so great job that one of our listeners had?
Sona Movsessian: I love this one just because it teaches me something. This was anonymously submitted. My worst job was working in a bird food factory, making pressed birdseed into the shape of a bell one summer to save up for college. It was hot, sticky, smelly, and turned me off of birds. I never thought that somebody has to turn that bird seed bell into a bell. That that's a sculpture.
Luke Burbank: I'm sure the birds of the world are appreciative, though, so hopefully that takes the edge off whoever had to have that job. Okay, one more not so great job that one of our listeners had to suffer through.
Sona Movsessian: Here's one from David who says, Worst job I ever had a nursing home wedding officiant. Just kidding. It was an effing awesome gig. Okay.
Luke Burbank: I am really glad that that sentence ended like it did because I was thinking that would be one of the most, I think, fun and life affirming gigs you could have would be connecting people up in love at whatever age they might be.
Sona Movsessian: Yeah. Even if there was an official, you know, even if folks just wanted to, you know, have a nice little wedding on a Wednesday afternoon before Wapner came on. I think this was great.
Luke Burbank: That's how I got to start getting married. Less legally binding. And, you know, in between, the price is right in the People's Court.
Sona Movsessian: I'm only 70% sure that my marriage, which took place in Las Vegas via Elvis impersonator, was legally binding.
Luke Burbank: Thanks to everyone who sent in a response to our audience question this week. We've got another one coming up for next week's show, which we will reveal in just a bit. So stick around for that. In the meantime, this is Live Wire Radio. Let's welcome our next guest to the program. She's a standup comedian, writer and actor. He's also the host and the producer of Woman Crush, the most diverse standup show at the Hollywood Improv Lab. Her album, The Woke Bully, debuted at number three on the Billboard comedy chart. Take a listen to this. The very funny Marcela Arguello live at the Alberta Rose Theater right here on Live Wire.
Marcella Arguello: What's up Portland?. All right. My name's Marcella. I'm very tall. Take it in. I'm six two. Thank you. I love being tall. I get mistaken for a man sometimes. I don't care. Men are respected, girl. So it's fine with me. It does bother me sometimes. Like, you know, it's flying here. I live in California. So I came in and we landed. And so when we. Now, look, I don't look this good when I fly. For those listening at home, I look hot as hell. But when I fly, I don't look like this. And we like baggy pants, oversize shirts, sneakers, no makeup, glasses, mask, hair pulled back. Right. And so we land. As soon as we land, the woman across from me, she jumps out of her seat. And then she goes to grab her bag from the overhead compartment. But she's struggling with her bag. And this foine Black dude helps her with her bag. And I was like, I'm going to struggle. With my bag. Okay. He was buff. I liked it. So when I get out of my seat, I go up to grab my bag and I'm like, oh, and only my little wrists. And he looks at me. He's like, You got that, bro? And I was like, Yeah, it's all good money. I had to move on with my life at that point. I had no chance with that dude. It was fine. So something happened at the airport, 90 there in the airport parking lot. So I parked in economy because it's a long trip. Okay. So I parked in the economy lot. I walked to the little terminal shuttle bus thing. I'm standing there. There's a dude there. He has a Trump hat on. I don't care. And then this other lady comes up with her little bag and she sees his Trump hat, and she gets so pumped. And it's hella funny because. Do you ever wear a band T-shirt? And you like, oh, my God. Led Zeppelin. Oh, my God. L.L. Cool J. Whatever. And you, bond, you're like any relate. That's what was going on with this Trump hat that I saw. And I never seen that before. I was like, Trump 24. Oh, my God. They were relating to each other so hardcore, they were loving it. Oh, man, oh, man. And I was like, Man, that's pretty cool that you can, like, just find your people off a hat. In the woman. Now we're going to have to do is bring the how the woman goes. She said this airport parking lot is a mess because of the Democrats. And that's where the dude drew the line. He was like, Hey, hey, we're at the airport here. Airport parking. It's always been bad. And I love that. That's where he drew the lines. Not immigration, not abortion. Like airport parking. Hey, relax. That's all of our issues.
Marcella Arguello: I was like, I'm glad he has ethics? I don't even know where. I don't even know where that falls under. But it cracked me up so hard. Hey make some noise for yourselves. We do appreciate you coming out and supporting live shows. Live anything, it's been such a hard two years. It's been such a hard two years. I know. I miss a lot of things from the before time. There's a lot of things I don't do anymore and like I don't really go out dancing. I used to love going out dancing. That was my favorite thing to go out dancing. I used to love going to gay bars. You know, gay men say, oh, man, they love straight women. Gay men will compliment you no matter what you look like. I once walked into a club looking just terrible. Head to toe. I just got off a flight, right? I just looked terrible. As soon as I walked in, this guy was like, Yes, girl, you serve hobo realness, girl. And thank you so much. I hate going to straight clubs. I hate it. I hate going to straight clubs. Dudes have no idea how to approach women. I once had a dude. He rolls up on me literally. He's in a wheelchair. He rolls up. I'm excited. He go, he gestures me down. I like was said and he says and I quote, You would be perfect if you had a big. But I was like, you don't have legs. And I wasn't going to bring it up. I had no problem with it. I don't like how some of you tightened up their. Just so you know, I'm not the bad guy in that story. MLK taught me to judge people by the content of their character. That man was a jerk. Think about it. He could have been clever. He could have been super clever with it. Could have been creative. He could have rolled up, gestured me down. I'd been like, wassup? You could have been like, you ain't got no but I ain't got no legs. Together we make a whole person. I would have been like yeah, let's go. Follow me. Marcella Comedy. You guys have a good night. Thank you, Portland.
Luke Burbank: That was Marcella Arguello, recorded in front of a live crowd at the Alberta Rose Theater last month in Portland, Oregon. You can find Marcella on Instagram at Marcella Comedy. I'm Luke Burbank, here with Elena Passarello. You can find us most weeks hosting Live Wire right here. We got to take a quick break, but stick around because when we return, we'll hear some music from Portland's own Brown Calculus. Stay with us.
Luke Burbank: Welcome back to Live Wire from PRX. I'm Luke Burbank, here with Elena Passarello. Okay. Before we get to this week's musical guest, a little preview of next week's episode. We are going to be chatting with the always hilarious writer Gary Shteyngart about his latest book, Our Country Friends, which was called The Great American Pandemic Novel. And I think it still holds up as one of the great pieces of writing about the weirdness that the kind of real, I guess you could say, worst of the pandemic was. We'll also hear some standup comedy from the hilarious Atsuko Okatsuka. Plus music from the Lowest Pair. And as always, we're going to be looking to get your answers to our audience. Question Elena What are we asking the Live Wire listeners for next week's show?
Luke Burbank: I can't wait to hear the answers to this one. What is the kindest thing that a friend has ever done for you? Oh, it's going to be great.
Luke Burbank: I feel like that's going to make me realize how much improvement I have in being a friend department, because it's what I hear a bunch of people who have really awesome friends and I'm going to just be thinking to myself, I should be a better friend. All right. If you have an answer to that question, a kind thing that a friend has done for you, you can send it in via Twitter or Facebook. We are at Live Wire Radio. Pretty much everywhere on social media.
Luke Burbank: All right. Our musical guest this week is the Gemini musical duo of Vaughn Kimmons and Andre Burgos, known collectively as Brown Calculus. Their music is dedicated to illuminating the sacredness of black music with a cosmic sound that remains grounded. They were voted one of Portland's best new bands of 2018. Willamette Week describes their music as spacey soul that should be sold in health and wellness stores. Take a listen to Brown Calculus, recorded live at the Alberta Rose Theater in Portland.
Luke Burbank: Welcome to the show.
Brown Calculus: Thank you. I'm glad to be here.
Luke Burbank: What song are we going to hear?
Brown Calculus: Seven Seas.
Luke Burbank: All right. Yes. This is Brown Calculus on Live Wire.
[Seven Seas Plays]
Luke Burbank: That was Brown Calculus right here on Live Wire. You can get their latest music on Bandcamp and their latest single UFO Days is out and available now. All right. That is going to do it for this week's episode of Live Wire. A huge thanks to our guests, Sona Movsessian, Marcella Arguello and Brown Calculus. Live Wire is brought to you in part by Alaska Airlines.
Luke Burbank: Laura Hadden is our executive producer. Heather de Michelle is our executive director. Our producer and editor is Melanie Sevcenko. Our assistant editor is Trey Hester. Our marketing manager is Paige Thomas and our production fellow is Tanvi Kumar. Our house band is Ethan Fox, Tucker, Zach Delmar, a.k.a. Pony Ayal Al-vez, and A. Walker Spring, who also composes our music. Molly Pettit is our technical director and mixer and our house sound is by D. Neil Blake.
Luke Burbank: Additional funding provided by the Marie Lam from Charitable Foundation Live Wire was created by Robin Tenenbaum and Kate Sokoloff. This week we'd like to thank members Tammy McGlothlin, Trumbull of White Salmon, Washington, and Anthony Myint of Portland, Oregon. For more information about our show or how you can listen to our podcast, including our best news podcast, head on over to Live Wire Radio dot org. I'm Luke Burbank for Elena Passarello and the whole Live Wire crew. Thank you for listening and we will see you next week.
Luke Burbank: PRX.
