What I Learned Tonight, by Scott Poole (Episode 163) | Live Wire Radio

recorded October 22, 2011

I learned tonight
that you need to be a bit skeptical
when someone tells you
they're a vampire.

Sure they might be pale
and look sharp in a cape,
they might even look like a sex
worker from the enchanted forest.

But, until you have the two
holes in your neck
and start picking out
coffins for no particular reason
you just can't really rush
to judgment on a thing like that.

I also learned that not
everyone is haunted in the same way
some people see ghostly Hansels und Gretels
coming after them with sharp cookie sheets
when they move into a new home.

Some people will run screaming from
purple curtains
and track lighting.

One time when I moved into a new house
the Smurfs emerged from the walls
and I peed my pants,
tripped trying to run two yards
and knocked over my collectible figurines
of a mouse, a bird and a sausage.

My friends just spit
beer out of their noses laughing.

I learned tonight that I need
a better thing to be haunted by,
like blind Internet millionaires for instance,
who might have killed their fathers and slept with their mothers
and are kind of feeling guilty about that.

 “Go on my yacht…”,  
‘’Play tennis with me…,”
“Drink this Taittinger ‘76 now!””

The only trick is to look
scared by these things,
yet still be welcoming to the ghost.

God, I hate yachts!  Ooooh..
Look I peed my pants. Spritz. Spritz.
Look I’m crying. Eyedrop. Eyedrop.
Please don’t make me take another
hot tub while cruising the Aegean.

Yet, when I die and become one of
those undead I wonder how good
of a haunter I will be.

Like Tyler Stenson
I want to parade past a funeral
maybe I could get one of
those horrible one man band setups
and wear a wolf costume

that could be really scary
with the base drum
and the knee cymbals wrapped
around the knees with duct tape
and a kazoo
playing girl from impanema
really loud and fast and enthusiastically.

I know I’d think
I’d be cheering everyone up
but of course
this would be absolutely horrifying.
Nobody wants a one man band
to go on for eternity.

Scott Poole is Live Wire's House Poet and author of  The Sliding Glass Doorwww.scottpoole.com.