Ben Coleman's blog | Live Wire Radio

At Live Wire, we end up performing about a quarter of the sketches that are written for the show by our crack* team of writers. The others languish on the cutting room floor, until now. This was a sketch brought in by guest writer Ben Coleman.

*Writers not on crack.

by Ben Coleman on December 8, 2014 - 4:06pm.

Every week we profile one of the many delightful human beings on this planet who happen to listen to the show. To get picked, just fire off an email to info@livewireradio.org and tell us a little about yourself. How many cats do you own? How many of those cats do you really like, and how many are you just phoning it in for? Whatever you think is interesting. We'll pick the acest listener of the bunch and profile them right here on the blog.

What's one thing about the show you would change?
If a specially trained team of nubile youths could arrive at my home to arrange my sofa cushions for maximum comfort and serve to me beverages and cheese plates while Livewire plays on the stereo would greatly improve my listening experience. If they could all be dressed in a sort of Tarzan theme that would be ideal.

If you were a Monster Truck, what would your name be? Bonus question: what would you drive over first?
Hail Weathintonia, and I would drive over every taco cart that ever let me down in terms of quality.

What do you look for in a submarine?
I suppose I don't have to say an air tight hull, do I? Of course not. We are all established professionals here, not children. I tend to like something with a wide viewing port, a sub that’s not too big, you know just something large enough to fit 3 or 4 of my main bitches. I find that the drivers chair and lounging chairs should be upholstered in albino shark skin- never cloud leopard! You can't get scotch out of that stuff. Fully stocked wet bar is a must for entertaining.

 

If you had a sequel, what would it be titled?
Gin-Soaked Dimwit: Has Anyone Seen My Phone?

What is your most prized coffee mug?
The one with the coffee in it, preferably not the one that has been sitting out for two days and I drank from it because there are a million mugs sitting around! What's wrong with me? Is it so hard to just do the dishes? I've run out of mugs completely, which one of these is still warm???

What do you do for fun?
Joseph Gordon Levitt.

Leia is a writer and cartoonist with strong opinions and an eye for epic swordplay. You can find whatever she's going on about now at ahappygoluckyscamp.wordpress.com or steer your Twitter device to  @solmaru.

 

 

by Ben Coleman on November 16, 2012 - 4:14am.

Every week we profile one of the many delightful human beings on this planet who happen to listen to the show. To get picked, just fire off an email to info@livewireradio.org and tell us a little about yourself. How many cats do you own? How many of those cats do you really like, and how many are you just phoning it in for? Whatever you think is interesting. We'll pick the acest listener of the bunch and profile them right here on the blog.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
In five years I see myself being pulled in a golden chariot by my cats, who should be big enough by then.

What Lego piece most symbolizes your life?
Those viney pieces that come with the castle set. Decorative, uncomplicated, hard to lose, and will make a loud noise if you try to vacuum it up.

Would you rather be able to fly or turn invisible but also you can still fly?
Only invisible. No flying. Walking is fine. When did everybody get into such a damn hurry?! People are always texting, never talking! 

How good are you at origami?
On a scale of one to ten, I'd probably give myself a ten, just out of habit.

What would you name a sailboat?
Saily Ride. It would be brave and beautiful, and it's private boat life is really none of your damn business. 

Nora is more than just an office slacker, she is in fact a very funny office slacker. You can see her movie reviews for the Portland Mercury here, and you can bask in her Twitter musings at https://twitter.com/ElinorJoneser

by Ben Coleman on November 9, 2012 - 1:58am.

Every week we profile one of the many delightful human beings on this planet who happen to listen to the show. To get picked, just fire off an email to info@livewireradio.org and tell us a little about yourself. How many cats do you own? How many of those cats do you really like, and how many are you just phoning it in for? Whatever you think is interesting. We'll pick the acest listener of the bunch and profile them right here on the blog.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Keeping my kid audience in the dark about my published adult comic books and trying to keep my adult audience from finding out about my kid/YA graphic novels. Dusty Trigger will be my pen name for ONE of those outlets.

What is your favorite sandwich?
The Office Sub from Thundercloud in Austin, Texas. It's an egg salad sandwich with bacon.

If you had a giant rabbit would you ride it to work or teach it to fight crime by your side?
First of all, it would a Jackalope. Hailing from Oklahoma and Texas, I grew up alongside these beasts that feed on beer and cowboy tunes. To save my family I had to learn the banjo and how to croon at an early age. Karaoke is a nightmare sometimes because no one likes Patsy Cline, Wanda Jackson or Loretta Lynn. Not even the Dixie Chicks. No one but my jackalopes.

What Lego piece most symbolizes your life?
The Lego brick that most symbolizes my life is the brick that is not a licensed piece of the Star Wars franchise.

How good are you at origami?
I'm good enough at origami to whip out a dollar and show children how to make a crane or a ring or impromptu drinking cup but then slap their hands away, tutting "no, no, this is art now" when the little tykes assume they GET my dollar.

What would you name a sailboat?
Sailboat? Let's go for broke. I'm rocking a team of dolphins attached to a floating shell

Jen currently resides in Seattle but in her heart of hearts she knows that Portland is a way better city. Because it so is. When she's not making extremely dubious geography decisions, Jen tumbls at comicscurator.tumblr and tweets and stuff via @TheJenya

 

by Ben Coleman on October 29, 2012 - 1:53am.

Every week we profile one of the many delightful human beings on this planet who happen to listen to the show. To get picked, just fire off an email to info@livewireradio.org and tell us a little about yourself. How many cats do you own? How many of those cats do you really like, and how many are you just phoning it in for? Whatever you think is interesting. We'll pick the acest listener of the bunch and profile them right here on the blog.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Successful potter

What is your favorite sandwich type?
Chicken Little from Squirrel's Tavern, Corvallis, OR

If you had a giant rabbit would you ride it to work or teach it to fight crime by your side?
Teach it to fight crime. It wouldn't fit into my tiny pottery studio.

How good are you at origami?
I can make a decent crane. (My friend from First Grade, Sandra Barton, folded almost 900+ good luck cranes for our wedding 28+ years ago and the wedding party had to chip in and help get to 1000.)

What would you name a sailboat?
Hubba Hubba 1

Have you been stealing Live Wire pens?
Of course. Click, click.

 

 

by Ben Coleman on October 22, 2012 - 7:11pm.

Every week we profile one of the many delightful human beings on this planet who happen to listen to the show. To get picked, just fire off an email to info@livewireradio.org and tell us a little about yourself. How many cats do you own? How many of those cats do you really like, and how many are you just phoning it in for? Whatever you think is interesting. We'll pick the acest listener of the bunch and profile them right here on the blog.

 

What is the one item of clothing you’ve always wanted to wear but never quite felt like you could pull off?

I can't tell you how many dusty snorkels are lying in the back of my closet. I mean, the ocean is the ocean and all, but who'd take a sailor with a snorkel seriously? It just screams "GUYS I DON'T THINK THIS WHOLE BOAT ON THE WATER THING IS GOING TO END WELL."

How do you disguise an elephant?

Fill with helium, deploy as novelty hot air balloon.

Cookie Monster seems to have a mild eating disorder. Discuss.

As an artist, I often undergo periods of binge eating throughout the course of my creative endeavors. This stems from my requirements for sustenance as a human being balanced with a crippling incapacity to leave the house and acquire food not already lurking at the bottom of the storecupboard. I once subsisted solely on marshmallows for several days while completing a project. All I'm saying is that this guy's probably about to drop some epic artistic shit. Just give him a little more time.

What is your preferred animal to race?

Bejeweled Ostrich

What bird best represents your dating style?

See: Preferred Racing Animal.

Lucy maintains that she is the world's only tall ship sailing dual citizen cartoonist, and if another exists they have yet to come forward. She is certainly our favorite, and not only because she sketched our show last season. You can see more of her work at lucybellwood.com and Portlandians can see her read one of her stories at the next Comics Underground.

 

by Ben Coleman on October 17, 2012 - 2:25pm.

Every week we profile one of the many delightful human beings on this planet who happen to listen to the show. To get picked, just fire off an email to info@livewireradio.org and tell us a little about yourself. How many cats do you own? How many of those cats do you really like, and how many are you just phoning it in for? Whatever you think is interesting. We'll pick the acest listener of the bunch and profile them right here on the blog.

 

What do you do for fun?

At the moment, my fixation is painting. All of my free time and energy goes towards that. The rest of my time is spent apologizing to people after parties.

Favorite Live Wire experience?

I think the most memorable experience was my first. It must have been years ago. A friend asked if I wanted to accompany him to this "Live Wire" thing and I happily obliged. The show featured two performers; one I had heard of, and the other was completely unknown to me. The unknown musician was Holcombe Waller. He stepped onto the stage like a sheepish hippie pixie, sat down, and performed a heart-pounding song threaded with a myriad of authentic emotions. You could have heard a pin drop during that arresting performance.           

If you were a Monster Truck, what would your name be?

Robertosaurus?

Turtles or tortoises?

Tuttles

What do you look for in a submarine?

Strong Seamen.

What is your favorite planet in the solar system?

Don't say, Uranus. Don't say, Uranus. Umm... Uranus?!

You can find out more about Mr. Fortney as well as see a collection of his paintings and other projects at plastorm.com

 

by Ben Coleman on October 8, 2012 - 2:04am.

Every week we profile one of the many delightful human beings on this planet who happen to listen to the show. To get picked, just fire off an email to info@livewireradio.org and tell us a little about yourself. How many cats do you own? How many of those cats do you really like, and how many are you just phoning it in for? Whatever you think is interesting. We'll pick the acest listener of the bunch and profile them right here on the blog.

 

What do you do for fun?
Act in local theater, knit silly items, sing too loudly in my car, garden poorly, judge people with non-prescription glasses, watch stolen television episodes, sing with a "band", and have whiskey and pop music-fueled underwear cleaning parties. With myself.
 
What do you look for in a submarine?
Air-tightness, I think. It helps if there's a racing stripe, though.
 
If you had to marry ONE Ghostbuster, wouldn’t that be pretty awesome?
No, it would be SUPER AWESOME.
 
If you had to bake a cake, in what shape would you bake that cake?
Penis-shaped, of course.
 
What song would play over the training montage of your life?
The Doctor Who theme
 
What is your favorite planet in the Solar System?
Uranus, because of its many wonderful uses in puns.
 
What is your least favorite planet in the Solar System?
Uranus, because naming all of your moons after characters in Shakespeare seems sort of pretentious.
 
Kristen is an actress and administrator for Tears of Joy puppet theater in Portland, OR. This is usually the part where we'd put a social media handle or something, but instead let's all admire the merkin she knitted for us to give to Mike Birbiglia (some, and only some, context can be found here). What have YOU done for us lately?
by Ben Coleman on September 27, 2012 - 12:52am.

Every week we profile one of the many delightful human beings on this planet who happen to listen to the show. To get picked, just fire off an email to info@livewireradio.org and tell us a little about yourself. How many cats do you own? How many of those cats do you really like, and how many are you just phoning it in for? Whatever you think is interesting. We'll pick the acest listener of the bunch and profile them right here on the blog.

What is your nemesis like?

My nemesis is my brain at 1am, when it decides that the right thing to do to reassure myself that I am loved and have meaningful accomplishments ahead of me is to log on to Facebook for the first time in three months and see what my middle-school crushes are up to.
 
What is the one item of clothing you’ve always wanted to wear but never quite felt like you could pull off?
I've always wanted to be one of those carefree ladies striding around in sandals and bare legs, but my parchment skin tone and ever-present array of Mystery Bruises draws too many pitying stares.
 
What bird best represents your dating style? 
A woodpecker. Ten years of whacking its head against utility poles before it finally finds a tree.
 
If you owned a store, what kind of store would that be?
It would involve cheese. Or pens. A cheese and pen store?
 
Cookie Monster seems to have a mild eating disorder. Discuss.
When Mel Blanc was doing the Bugs Bunny voice, he'd chew on a carrot in front of the microphone, and then after the take he'd spit into a dish. I've noticed that Cookie Monster never seems to actually ingest the cookies, so I think it's a similar thing. He's probably been vegan/gluten-free since like 1986. He looks like a blue pipe-cleaner off-camera. 
 
A terrifying death-ray is aimed at the city, poised to fire at any moment. How would you save the day?
Ask the death-ray if it's seen what its middle school crushes are up to on Facebook these days. Ten minutes later it voluntarily self-destructs.
 
Innie or outie? 
That is between me and my shirt.
 
Dylan Meconis is an an author and cartoonist living in Portland, OR. You can find a selection of her work, including the Eisner Award nominated Outfoxed at www.dylanmeconis.com. You can find her thoughts on draculas and other things via her Twitter handle @quirkybird.
by Ben Coleman on September 21, 2012 - 7:05pm.