Live Wire recently played host to the incredibly funny Megan Amram, Parks and Rec writer and author of the hilarious book Science: For Her! The theme of the show was "The Art and Science of Being a Lady," so I took the opportunity to expound on what I think it means to be a lady.
I’ve never liked the word “lady.”
It reeks of propriety and obligation.
The only times I can remember people using it in my presence have been to tell me the myriad things I shouldn’t be doing.
Ladies don’t belch.
Ladies don’t pass gas.
In fact, ladies never let anything go into, or come out of their bodies.
Ladies have Barbie parts.
Ladies are sexless.
Ladies are humorless.
Ladies don’t make crass jokes.
Ladies don’t make jokes at all.
Or if they do, they’re about a heated game of bridge with the Andersons and they’re never, ever funny.
Ladies don’t laugh, they titter.
There’s nothing fun about tittering.
A titter is a laugh and an apology at the same time.
The only time a laugh ever requires an apology is if your friend falls down in your presence and you laugh prior to asking them if they’re okay.
Ladies don’t skateboard, or snowboard, or waterboard or do anything with the word “board” in it.
The only sports ladies are allowed to play are tennis and golf because both involve cute skirts and the word “stroke” without any sexual connotations.
Ladies let the man set the pace in the relationship.
Ladies wear long skirts with bustles because it’s a great place to store all the anger and frustration they feel about letting the man set the pace in the relationship.
Ladies never ugly cry.
Ladies never yell, or run, or jump, or spit,…or swallow, or smoke, or twerk, or do body shots, or discover radium, or complain about sexism in the video game industry, or swear, or chew gum, or do that pully-squatty combo that’s required when the crotch of their tights is traveling to their knees.
What I’m saying is, ladies don’t really exist.
Or, I should say, they might appear to exist, but if you think you know a lady, she’s doing every single thing on this list when she thinks no one is looking.
Especially the pully-squatty tights combo.
Everyone has done the pully-squatty tights combo at some point in their lives. Even Batman.
To ask someone to “be a lady” is asking her to conform to some nonexistent, un-reachable standard in the same way “be a man” or “why can’t we just have a normal family?” is.
I say if we all want to be around women who drink and actually have bodily fluids and cackle and have sex with their non-Barbie lady parts and eat hot wings and eliminate Skynet by using old Terminators against new Terminators, we should put the term “lady” into the same dark closet that “gentlewoman” and “wench” are hanging out in.
Or, maybe the next time you see someone acting in a way that you don’t think correlates properly to the genitalia you assume they have, maybe just take all those feelings you’re having about it, and shove them into your bustle.
There’s a lot of room in there.
I should know.
I’m a lady.
At Live Wire, we end up performing about a quarter of the sketches that are written for the show by our crack* team of writers. The others languish on the cutting room floor, until now. This was a sketch brought in by guest writer Ben Coleman.
*Writers not on crack.
When our writers found out Wil Wheaton was on the show, there was much rejoicing (yay!). We couldn’t wait to write a sketch for him to act in with us, and most of our ideas were Star Trek-focused. But what ended up airing was “Wil Wheaton Erotic Fan Fiction” (listen here). So that meant that a sketch we really liked ended up…you know where. Here it is in all its glory.
1. Knifed in the gut while visiting young people
2. Accidentally drown while horsing around on a yacht with Jimmy Buffett
3. Choke on guacamole
5. Get caught in the crossfire of a narwhal fight
6. Hangglide into a poison factory whilst on fire
7. Axe to the groin or anything to the groin but mainly an axe
8. At the unforgiving hands of Nick Nolte
9. Sitting next to Grandma Agnes because of the racism
10. In Vermont
We're doing a members-only studio session with the very very funny Bob Odenkirk on Friday, October 24th at Mississippi Studios (3939 N. Mississippi Ave) at 4:30 (Doors at 4). You may know Bob as Saul from Breaking Bad, as the bumbling police chief from Fargo, or as half of the world's best comedy team on Mr. Show. This one's not to be missed. It's FREE & EXCLUSIVELY for members, so if you're not a member, JOIN TODAY!
Already a member? RSVP to email@example.com and let us know you'll be there! (NOTE: RSVP required as space is limited!)
Last week, the hilarious and loud Billy Eichner actually made David Letterman laugh (quite a feat!) with a great bit called "Celebrity Child or Kentucky Derby Winner":
After it aired, Live Wire's photographer, Jennie Baker emailed me and asked "On a past show, did Live Wire do a game asking someone to determine whether names on a list belonged to a Kentucky Derby horse or a celebrity's child?"
The answer is yes. In April of 2012, we recorded and aired a segment written and performed by Sean McGrath called, "Famous Race Horse or Child of Celebrity?"
Says McGrath about the coincidence: "If this was some Billy on the Street game that they did many years before I thought of it, then so be it and good for them. If not, then they should know I have plenty of ideas that are way better than that one that they shoulda stole."
They probably didn't steal the idea...comedy minds and the zeitgeist work in mysterious ways, and we're just a wee public radio show out of Portland with a podcast that can be heard worldwide. We're just saying that it sounds awfully familiar.
You can view our script and listen to our version from two years ago below. Eeeenteresting.
Pope Francis has been a bit controversial since his papacy began in March of 2013, due to what's perceived as his "more liberal" views and casual, conversational nature. We've discovered an internal memo outlining his schedule, which might provide some additional insight into his papal style.
It’s summertime in the Northwest and for a lot of folks (not us!) that means barbecuing and smoking a lot of marijuana (which we would never do!). But sometimes you can smoke too much, and then where are you? You’re eating potato salad with your Aunt Marge, desperately trying to keep it together. Well, here are a few activities and scenarios that have been scientifically proven to keep you from wigging out to the max.
Mowing the lawn
Shaving your animal
Think of your favorite whole number
Prepare for a religious holiday
Kres pillas der alfa moontin
Watch the film Berlin Alexanderplatz
Take off your pants
Even more marijuana
Try listening only with your hands
Make an enemies list
Give to public broadcasting
Switch to cocaine
Make 100 phone calls in 100 minutes
Make a wet snack
Take a shower while eating peanut butter and pleasuring yourself
Season: Spring 2014
Writer: Jason Rouse
Reason for rejection: Dumbness
Every year, we spend the summer thinking of ways to make Live Wire a better experience for our live and listening audience, and this summer we're hoping you can help us. We've created a short survey (4 minutes! That's just 1/14th of an Orange is the New Black episode!) with questions about your listening and internet habits and we hope you'll take the time to fill it out.
Everyone who does will be entered to win TWO FREE TICKETS to our blowout season opener on September 9th and two Live Wire t-shirts!
As always, thank you for your time and support of the show! Can't wait to see you in the fall!
~The Live Wire Crack Research Team*
*Not researching crack.