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Blue Monday Survival Guide

Welcome to Blue Monday!
Psuedoscience claims this is the most depressing day of the year, but Live Wire is here to help. On this page, you’ll find some peppy tunes from our musical guests over the years (Download them and take them with you to fight off the blues!), and some delicious recipes perfect for these gloomy days. Enjoy! (As much as you can on this dark, dark day.)

 

RECIPES TO LIGHTEN YOUR MOOD:

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Peanut Butter and Jelly Bacon S’morrito
Peanut Butter
Grape Jelly
Bacon (cooked? Probably?)
1 standard-size chocolate bar
4 large marshmallows
1 Large Flour Tortilla

Place tortilla on your kitchen counter, coffee table or bedside table. Spread 1-20 tablespoons of peanut butter over the full circle of tortilla, then do the same with the jelly. Cook 12 strips of bacon, eat 8 of them and then place four slightly off-center on the left side of the tortilla and cover them with the chocolate bar. Place the marshmallows on a pencil, fork or pair of children’s scissors and hold over a burner to cook. When they catch fire, they’re ready! Place them immediately on top of the chocolate, fold in the top and bottom of the tortilla, then fold in the left-hand side, and roll all the way to the right. Pair with your favorite bottle of scotch and a collection of YouTube videos of dogs unsuccessfully trying to befriend cats.

 

The Baker’s Dozen
13 doughnuts or cheeseburgers or anything you buy for the office, but actually eat in your car by yourself.

 

Bologna and Cheese SammichSadness Sandwich
Bologna and American cheese on white bread with mayonnaise (TM Divorced Dad).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Chuck E. Cheese Gloater’s Special
Single and depressed? Go to Chuck E. Cheese at 5:15 on a Saturday night and order a single slice of pepperoni pizza. Sit quietly at your table and savor every bite while “happy families” scream, rend garments and fall apart around you.

 

2 AM Pancakes
Pretty self-explanatory.
NOTE: If you don't have pancake mix, just take several deep pulls off a bottle of maple syrup.

 

The Five Dollar Cry for Help
Subway’s Five Dollar Footlong, once an hour until unconscious.

 



 

Luke's Memorable Live Wire Moments of 2014

It’s been a great year at Live Wire! Over the past 12 months, we’ve featured the work of over 120 writers, musicians, filmmakers, and comedians – people like Pulitzer Prize-winning reporter Nicholas Kristof, music icon Melissa Etheridge, and Wild author Cheryl Strayed. In addition to showcasing some of the biggest names in arts and culture, we also pride ourselves in promoting the work of up-and-coming talent and thought leaders that you might not hear anywhere else.

In a year with so much compelling content, we asked our host Luke Burbank to share some of his personal highlights from this year. Although the process was nearly impossible, Luke narrowed it down to ten of his most memorable moments and explains why they stood out for him.  

 

Jason Padgett discussing relativity 
The last 90 seconds of this interview taught me more about theoretical physics than all my years studying at Harvard and Oxford. I should clarify that “Harvard" and “Oxford" are two of my favorite sports bars in Tucson.

 

Anis Mojgani
Anis Mojgani’s writing and delivery radically changed my notion of what poetry could be and how it could move me. Which is a weird realization to have as you’re crouched on the side of the stage trying to prep for your next interview segment. And yet, that’s how great this poem and performance were.

 

Ken Jennings - Questions and Appetizers 
For someone who talks for a living, I am uniquely terrible at the conversation game we played with Jeopardy Champ Ken Jennings. Hopefully my shame was at least somewhat entertaining.

 

Megan Amram
Megan Amram grew up in the wilds of Portland and then went on to Harvard (the college, not the sports bar). Yet it was on Twitter where she first started getting wide-spread notice. I’ve got to find out more about this Tweeter thing, because it seems like all the kids are doing it.


Eef Barzelay - All The Way
Eef Barzelay’s version of “All The Way” is lovely and heartbreaking. Hearbreak like a Portlander feels when they realize that scone had gluten in it.

 

The Doubleclicks - Cats & Netflix
In these trying times of international crisis and unrest at home, there are two things we can still rely on as a nation… Cats & Netflix. This is an entire song dedicated to them.

 

Ayron Jones & The Way
Without a doubt, one of the musical high points of 2014 for Live Wire. The crowd was so into this song, we considered cancelling the rest of the show and just letting Ayron play an entire concert. Then I found out that I only get paid if I “host” the “entire” “show” so we went back to the original plan. 'Dat song doe.

 

Children's Books Gone Dark sketch 
Let’s be honest, kid’s books are kinda boring when you’re not a kid anymore. That is, unless you create dark adaptations. Which we did this year. Then, they are upsetting and weird, two of our specialties here on Live Wire.

 

Cameron Esposito
Cameron Esposito is more than just a hairdo, but seriously, no one’s made more of a career out of having self-described “lesbian hair”.

 

Kurt Braunohler
Kurt Braunholer’s misadventures make us all feel better about how we proposed marriage and decided not to jet ski down the electrified section of the Mississippi River.

LADY BUSINESS

Live Wire recently played host to the incredibly funny Megan Amram, Parks and Rec writer and author of the hilarious book Science: For Her! The theme of the show was "The Art and Science of Being a Lady," so I took the opportunity to expound on what I think it means to be a lady.

LADY BUSINESS

I’ve never liked the word “lady.”

It reeks of propriety and obligation.

The only times I can remember people using it in my presence have been to tell me the myriad things I shouldn’t be doing.

Ladies don’t belch.

Ladies don’t pass gas.

In fact, ladies never let anything go into, or come out of their bodies.

Ladies have Barbie parts.

Ladies are sexless.

Ladies are humorless.

Ladies don’t make crass jokes.

Ladies don’t make jokes at all.

Or if they do, they’re about a heated game of bridge with the Andersons and they’re never, ever funny.

Ladies don’t laugh, they titter.

There’s nothing fun about tittering.

A titter is a laugh and an apology at the same time.

The only time a laugh ever requires an apology is if your friend falls down in your presence and you laugh prior to asking them if they’re okay.

Ladies don’t skateboard, or snowboard, or waterboard or do anything with the word “board” in it.

The only sports ladies are allowed to play are tennis and golf because both involve cute skirts and the word “stroke” without any sexual connotations.

Ladies let the man set the pace in the relationship.

Ladies wear long skirts with bustles because it’s a great place to store all the anger and frustration they feel about letting the man set the pace in the relationship.

Ladies never ugly cry.

Ladies never yell, or run, or jump, or spit,…or swallow, or smoke, or twerk, or do body shots, or discover radium, or complain about sexism in the video game industry, or swear, or chew gum, or do that pully-squatty combo that’s required when the crotch of their tights is traveling to their knees.

What I’m saying is, ladies don’t really exist.

Or, I should say, they might appear to exist, but if you think you know a lady, she’s doing every single thing on this list when she thinks no one is looking.

Especially the pully-squatty tights combo.

Everyone has done the pully-squatty tights combo at some point in their lives. Even Batman.

To ask someone to “be a lady” is asking her to conform to some nonexistent, un-reachable standard in the same way “be a man” or “why can’t we just have a normal family?” is.

I say if we all want to be around women who drink and actually have bodily fluids and cackle and have sex with their non-Barbie lady parts and eat hot wings and eliminate Skynet by using old Terminators against new Terminators, we should put the term “lady” into the same dark closet that “gentlewoman” and “wench” are hanging out in.

Or, maybe the next time you see someone acting in a way that you don’t think correlates properly to the genitalia you assume they have, maybe just take all those feelings you’re having about it, and shove them into your bustle.

There’s a lot of room in there.

I should know.

I’m a lady.

FROM THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR: DRAGON ROOMMATE

At Live Wire, we end up performing about a quarter of the sketches that are written for the show by our crack* team of writers. The others languish on the cutting room floor, until now. This was a sketch brought in by guest writer Ben Coleman.

*Writers not on crack.

Space Best Buy with Wil Wheaton

When our writers found out Wil Wheaton was on the show, there was much rejoicing (yay!). We couldn’t wait to write a sketch for him to act in with us, and most of our ideas were Star Trek-focused. But what ended up airing was “Wil Wheaton Erotic Fan Fiction” (listen here). So that meant that a sketch we really liked ended up…you know where. Here it is in all its glory. 

LIST OF WAYS I WOULDN’T WANT TO DIE

1. Knifed in the gut while visiting young people

2. Accidentally drown while horsing around on a yacht with Jimmy Buffett

3. Choke on guacamole

4. Bees

5. Get caught in the crossfire of a narwhal fight

6. Hangglide into a poison factory whilst on fire

7. Axe to the groin or anything to the groin but mainly an axe

8. At the unforgiving hands of Nick Nolte

9. Sitting next to Grandma Agnes because of the racism

10. In Vermont

Members-Only Studio Session with Bob Odenkirk

We're doing a members-only studio session with the very very funny Bob Odenkirk on Friday, October 24th at Mississippi Studios (3939 N. Mississippi Ave) at 4:30 (Doors at 4). You may know Bob as Saul from Breaking Bad, as the bumbling police chief from Fargo, or as half of the world's best comedy team on Mr. Show. This one's not to be missed. It's FREE & EXCLUSIVELY for members, so if you're not a member, JOIN TODAY!

Already a member? RSVP to events@livewireradio.org and let us know you'll be there! (NOTE: RSVP required as space is limited!) 

That Sounds Kinda Familiar...

Last week, the hilarious and loud Billy Eichner actually made David Letterman laugh (quite a feat!) with a great bit called "Celebrity Child or Kentucky Derby Winner"

After it aired, Live Wire's photographer, Jennie Baker emailed me and asked "On a past show, did Live Wire do a game asking someone to determine whether names on a list belonged to a Kentucky Derby horse or a celebrity's child?"

The answer is yes. In April of 2012, we recorded and aired a segment written and performed by Sean McGrath called, "Famous Race Horse or Child of Celebrity?"

Says McGrath about the coincidence: "If this was some Billy on the Street game that they did many years before I thought of it, then so be it and good for them. If not, then they should know I have plenty of ideas that are way better than that one that they shoulda stole."

They probably didn't steal the idea...comedy minds and the zeitgeist work in mysterious ways, and we're just a wee public radio show out of Portland with a podcast that can be heard worldwide. We're just saying that it sounds awfully familiar.

You can view our script and listen to our version from two years ago below. Eeeenteresting.

Papal Memo

Pope Francis has been a bit controversial since his papacy began in March of 2013, due to what's perceived as his "more liberal" views and casual, conversational nature. We've discovered an internal memo outlining his schedule, which might provide some additional insight into his papal style.

YOU ARE TOO HIGH

It’s summertime in the Northwest and for a lot of folks (not us!) that means barbecuing and smoking a lot of marijuana (which we would never do!). But sometimes you can smoke too much, and then where are you? You’re eating potato salad with your Aunt Marge, desperately trying to keep it together. Well, here are a few activities and scenarios that have been scientifically proven to keep you from wigging out to the max.


Mowing the lawn

Shaving your animal

Composting

More marijuana

Think of your favorite whole number

Prepare for a religious holiday

Pretzels

Kres pillas der alfa moontin

Watch the film Berlin Alexanderplatz

Take off your pants

Even more marijuana

Try listening only with your hands

Make an enemies list

Give to public broadcasting

Switch to cocaine

Make 100 phone calls in 100 minutes

Make a wet snack

Take a shower while eating peanut butter and pleasuring yourself

The Wayback Machine

 

 

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